February 2012
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“I love to watch things on TV”
– lou reed
This morning George woke up superfrinkinearly. Like he would usually still be sleeping now, and a half-hour from now I would get the pleasure of dragging him from his bed while he throws a ginormous fit about being exhausted. ANYWAYS. He woke up and at six or so I turned on the tube...
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oh lord.
George: Mommy, does space just go on forever and ever?
Me: Yes. That's what they think.
George: I wish there was something else out there. Not just nothing forever and ever.
Me: Like what, planets and aliens? Have you been talking to anyone about this?
George: No, I just like hear stuff from movies and TV and kids and humans talking. I think about it. If Jesus is God's Son then what's God's moon and night?
Me: What are you asking?
George: If Jesus is God's sun what does he do at night, does he have a moon?
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“Her genius for prose remains one of the few satisfying achievements of our...”
– Gore Vidal on Carson McCullers
I asked my husband if he’d ever read The Heart is a Lonely Hunter and then he asked if I’d read it, and we realized that neither of us had. BUT we both watched that movie with ScarJo reading it while John Travolta sort of drunkenly hits on her/hints that...
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Beware when your mom
Lady: If you got no money for your bills, you got no money for smokin' weed. You don't see me getting my hair fixed?!?!
Lady's grown son: Well, later this week.....
Lady: No. It ain't gonna be later this week.
Lady's grown son: I'm for real this ain't no way to live.
Lady's friend(maybe daughter): He needs to clean his room, clean his closet. He's got brand new clothes, nice clothes. Take them to consignment.
Lady: You might be right! You do that, and give me that coin and I will get my hair done this week!
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The sunshine really gets to me.
I mean, on the phone just now I said “Everything’s okay. I have few wants and all of my needs are met.” I mean, if you know me, that is some weird shit to hear coming out of my face.
So listen to this in honor of my awesome good mood, for who knows how long it shall last.
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The last bastion of good taste.
me: ....so he wants a La-Z Boy or something to get vertical on but I told him we'd have to wait until the perfect one comes along. I mean it's not like we have Frasier's apartment where everything is super nice and it can support one awful piece of furniture.
sister/voice of reason: That was HIS FATHER. That SERVED OUR COUNTRY. What has your husband done to deserve an ugly chair?
January 2012
7 posts
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Props to you dude
in the white Chrysler Sebring convertible flying down Chicago Ave. at about a million miles an hour, top down, jamming some Twista. Usually I’d think you’re an asshole, but if you can do that shit in January, IN CHICAGO, that’s cause for applause.
image via
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I'm not ashamed to admit
That the infomercial for Dean Martin’s Celebrity Roasts is one of my fave shows.
Ever.
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Apparently this pick up line works
Dude: Yeah I think I remember you from Rainbo.
Girl that’s too old to be called a girl: Wow!(hair pushed behind ear) yeah…
She later told me “I can’t believe he remembers me from RAINBO!”
I audibly rolled my eyes.
image via
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December 2011
7 posts
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Things that are better with time and wine.
The Seinfeld finale.
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Reason to believe.
J: What are you up to?
C: Walking to the Family Dollar.
J: I'm IN a Dollar General right now.
C: I guess we are soul mates.
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That's not what we called them in the 90's.
kid: Mom, let me see your back I have to check if you're a mom.
mom: What? No. Why?
kid: (lifts back of shirt, uses toy stamper and pretends to stamp back.) There. Now you're a mom.
mom: What did you give me?
kid: A mom stamp.
mom: A MOM STAMP?
kid: It's a stamp on moms' backs.
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You had me at fart shoes
Geo: Mom, that guy just said fart shoes.
Me: So are we gonna see this or what dude?
Geo: SEE IT.
And now he's telling me a lie about having cleaned his room once on his own. That shit never happened. At least we have the Muppets to look forward to.
November 2011
29 posts
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Breakfast of Champions.
Me: So if you want we have some lox, cream cheese...
Kid: Wait a minute mom. I think we should go somewhere that's, idon'tknow, really close or, idon'tknow, maybe pizza, idon'tknow.
Me: It's morning George, get real.
Kid: Well, sometimes maybe Bella's or, idon'tknow, Pizza Metro might be open.
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When life feels hopeless and shitty
I thank god for my high ceilings, hardwood floors, and proximity to many mediocre sushi restaurants.
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I think he was going to order that stupid new...
Geo: Mommy, can I call someone that has a one-hundred number?
Me: No. You don't know anyone with an 800 number.
Geo: What would you do if I did?
Me: You won't. I won't let you.
Geo: (Grabs phone, types, hands it back, on the screen it reads 100.) See. ONE-HUNDRED.
Me: Okay. Good job. (Let him sit with the phone.)
Geo: I'm gonna call somebody! (I check the phone: 1-888-8881) Where's the 9?
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“Well, you know what happens when it starts to get cold out. Everybody wants...”
– Overheard at the store just now.
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“Mom, how many days until it’s summer and we can go to the beach?”
– File this under things you don’t want an actual answer for.
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Agendas.
Watch Terms of Endearment.
Cry.
Watch Love Story.
Cry.
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It's the stuff that nerds are made of.
Geo: Mommy, I have to go play the Darth Vader theme on the piano, I'm getting pretty good.
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actual textversations you probably have no...
J:I love Bora Jones. She’s on my sailing mix tape too.
C:She is a snooze fest.
J:Calming.
C:Not for me. I prefer portishead or actual silence. French ambiant pop is good. Air.
J:Okay music snob corner.
C: Alright soccer mom on a romantic night out at the olive garden.
J: Whatever.
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