January 2011
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“ I know what would be fun! You can clean my room, and then I’ll pretend...”
– my future (who am I kidding, fully formed) shopaholic.
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Stupid things I've done to make myself crazy. →
You know how sometimes you think your phone is ringing and it’s not? You know how some people have really annoying ring tones? Well you know how sometime you let your four year old son pick out your ring tone and it cost like, three dollars or something, and it’s loud and works, and you don’t feel like changing it?
No. Well, aren’t you lucky.
My ring tone is Immigrant...
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Apparently it's not going over his head anymore.
Kiddo: Hey mom, remember when we were watching How I Met Your Mother and Ted was all "ack, I don't like that girl!" and then..
Me: What?
Kiddo: Mom, Ted, you know, TED?
Mom: (reluctantly engaging in conversation) Yes. Go on.
Kiddo: Well, Ted walked into the bar and said " I hate that girl" and then they drive away and she jumps on the front of the car! Ted is funny.
Mom: I don't know what you are talking about.
Kiddo: What MOM? You don't like how I met your mother? (Hand to forehead, for realz, walks away. Disappointed. Future Ted Mosbey.)
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I'm listed in Tumblweeds under winewithwhiners,...
I’m listed in Tumblweeds, a user-generated community directory that rates Tumblr bloggers by their number of followers. Find me listed in #winewithwhiners, #unsolicitedparentingadvice, #possiblyprobablyannoying
Last one I promise. I just wanted to create new lists for the directory that really reflect what my tumblr is. A bored lady avoiding doing shit she needs to do, sometimes with...
My mom gave me a digital camera for Christmas in...
GPOYW
I took thousands of pictures and printed them out and hung them all over my apartment in various full wall collages like a serial killer in a movie. This is all I have left.
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I'm listed in Tumblweeds under bitching, moaning,...
I’m listed in Tumblweeds, a user-generated community directory that rates Tumblr bloggers by their number of followers. Find me listed in #bitching, #moaning, #bitchingsomemore
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Rayanne shaved her legs in the bathroom sink at... →
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I'm listed in Tumblweeds under parenting, chicago,...
I’m listed in Tumblweeds, a user-generated community directory that rates Tumblr bloggers by their number of followers. Find me listed in #parenting, #chicago, #marriage
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Okay. I’ve always sortoftotally related to Natalie Portman as Marty.
Marty would never have sex with Ashton Kutcher.
So this. Would never happen.
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Basically, since I was a small child my main...
On Sunday Night: I just wanna lay in bed and watch Doctor Who w/ Doctor Who.
image.
C: it smells like a fart in here J: well
C: it smells like a fart in here
J: well that sign says chili cook off
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Cardozo's
Christine: Hey, did you call? I'm in an underground bar so I didn't get the call.
Chris: Cool. WOW. I wish I was at an underground bar right now.
Christine: Well it's not "underground" or Underground it's just a bar that is under the ground.
Chris: Still, that sound fun!
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Best-Case Senario
Dude: Where are all of the bike messengers? I mean I've been out of it for, like, six years, but seriously. The internet killed it. Too bad.
Me: Yeah so, it must be cool or whatever, being in on of the last of a job slash subculture thing that is now, basically, dead. You can forever say "I was apart of it, it was awesome, no one else will ever get to bask in it's awesomeness."
Dude: Yeah. I see what you are saying, but it sucks.
Me: You're like the Pony Express, killed by Morse Code.
Dude: Totally. I will never have another job like that. Work for a few weeks, smoke weed all day, then leave town and the job will be waiting for you when you get back. Man, those days are over.
Me: Well at least you married the hot barista from Starbucks that gave you free coffee.
Dude: That's true. I win.
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Yes I’m wearing workout pants tucked into salt stained shoes and a gross yet warm coat. I’M EVEN JUDGING MYSELF.
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“ Oh honey, did I get some vodka on you?”
– one of the moms to one of the kids at an awesome playdate.
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Ha Ha, who cares.
That’s how I feel about the BEARS right now. I used to love watching football when watching football consisted of me going to other peoples houses and/or bars and drinking and cheering until my face fell off. It was GREAT. Then I met my husband.
Dude thinks it is necessary to have two televisions and at least one radio on full blast. Add to that shouting, lots of. And friends, many and...
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Possibly still the name of my band when I'm an old...
So we’re laying in bed and I serenade my husband with what I’m sure is a completely original parody of Old Man River sung Old Man Liver. Yeah, not only was I NOT romantic or funny, it wasn’t even original.
Old Man Chopped Liver
“I’m not calling Logan Square anymore.”
– “I’m not calling Logan Square anymore. Now it’s Logan’s Triangle.” - Little G
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“ It’s not Logan Square anymore. Now I’m calling it Logan’s...”
– the Kid.
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A wobble in the Earth's axis caused by the...
Wife: So did you hear? I'm not a Capricorn anymore. Now I'm a Sagittarius or something.
Husband: What? WHAT! I can't get along with fire signs!
Wife: I mean I never even felt like a Capricorn anyways so..............
Husband: WHAT! You are SO a Capricorn! I can only be with earth signs. Me and fire signs do not mix.
Wife: Are you serious?
Husband: Yes.
Wife: Well you are not even like a real Cancer.
Husband: I TOTALLY AM.
Listen. I don't believe in this shit anyways. I've never read my horoscope and had a "yeah, totally" moment or whatever. I believe in my ability to look for signs and feel vibes. So yeah, I'm way normal and not into hippy-dippy bullshit.
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Deep Thoughts with Jersey Shore
Sister: Why do they make them all live in such a small space? It's not right. They should give them more room.
Me: Like their own rooms? Like on Cathouse?
Think about it.
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inthesaddle asked: Okay, so raising a kid in the city. What do you think? How do you do it? How are the schools? Do you think about life in another area, be it burbs or a different state or whatever? What will happen come high school for the little guy?
SO MANY QUESTIONS.
SO MANY QUESTIONS.
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Knowledge is power so let's abuse it!
When I was a kid I used to watch Entertainment Tonight like it was my job and they often updated us loyal viewers on Hef and his many loves. So as part of my ongoing desire to rot my brain and be uptotheminute on all things pointless I once read this while I was once tied to a couch with a newborn baby. The main gist of it can be read here. You were warned.
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Because it's not fair to withhold knowledge.
Last Sunday I filled my mom in on the bedroom policy at the Playboy Mansion. Now she’ll never look at baby oil the same way, or Viagra commercials, even towels for that matter.