Last night I caught myself saying something disturbing out loud to the TV while watching commercials and waiting for Nightline to tell me more about “Botox Mom”

I said “Man, I need a Honda.”

And then I thought maybe that means I’m a grown up.  Hondas are sensible.  Hondas get good gas mileage.  Some of my best car memories involve Hondas.  But still, obviously, my brain was taken over by some sort of…………I DON’T KNOW.

Other times I’ve felt this way:

Once when I was preggo with my kid I was shopping at the Village Discount and this little kid was walking around.  Instead of ignoring him or being grossed out by this booger miner, I was CONCERNED.  My first thought was “Oh no, I hope he doesn’t fall down and trip with that finger up his nose and hurt himself!”  My next thought was “Where the fuck did that kindhearted thought come from, pull yourself together woman, think something bitchy real fast!”

The other time was real momriffic.   I took my son to The HIP, a very unhip mall on the northwest side of Chicago located at Harlem and Irving Park.  This is a great mall because it’s so awful.  The anchor stores are Kohl’s and Target.  Anyways, I’m walking in the mall and I go and sit down at the food court and I’m sharing some Panda Express with my baby and “Waiting for Tonight” by JLo is wafting through the air.  In a weird haze I think “Wow, this is nice.  I’m, like, a mom and this is what mom’s do.  I’m in a mall.”  It was weird.   I went back to the mall and tried to get the feeling back.  I tried other malls.  That fleeting feeling never returned.

So I guess, the point is,  there’s a boring lady inside me and she’s trying to get out.